Afraid.

blog, lifestyle, meditation, yoga, mom

My baby is one month old today. Already! I can’t even believe it. She was wide awake all day with me, so naturally we cuddled all day. Anyways. Last night after I put her to bed, I spent a lot of time meditating and gathering my thoughts. I’m about to take another huge leap in my life, and even though I’m excited beyond what words can describe, I’m also afraid. It’s not even that I’m afraid of new things, or of change. I’ve always lived in a life of constant change. This is somehow different. I’m afraid of going after what I’ve wanted for eight years because it’s the first thing that I’ve ever done just for me.

I am officially signed up for yoga teacher training. Yes – I’m afraid of this. Of course I have my normal nerves, even though yoga isn’t about how flexible you are, I’m nervous because pregnancy obviously set me back pretty far in that area. I know I have an advantage though with already being familiar with Ayurveda and with having practiced as long as I have with being as young as I am. So for this – I’m looking at it as an opportunity to further myself, and I find no reason to think about comparing myself to others in terms of my physical skill. Of course that’s not to say my brain isn’t still trying to do it! 😉

What I’m really afraid of is that this is the first thing I’ve done entirely for me. I’ve always been about making other people happy, helping them by understanding what they want and helping them get there. Even my bachelor’s, I switched from being a psychology major to being a business major because a lot of my family is in business and it impressed them that I graduated with that degree. Although I’ve gained a lot of invaluable business skills from my degree that I will gratefully take with me, I don’t belong in the corporate world. Not one bit. It’s a great fit for a lot of people, but when I adapt to that style life, that feeling of being alive and that internal fire gets sucked out of me. I’ve done it for six years though, because it impresses a lot of people when I tell them where I’m at and what I do. Well, what I did I should say.

I still haven’t told everyone in my family that I’m doing this, yet. Because I’m afraid. It seems odd to me that if this were anyone else, I would be pushing them to do exactly what I’m doing. Following their dream. And I can tell you – nothing has ever felt more right in my life other than how I feel when I hold my baby. It’s sounds crazy but I know it’s what I’m meant to do. Holistic health and yoga are what I love, and they’ve been what has pulled me through some really difficult times in my life. When I share the practice with others, I burn with energy. But I didn’t pursue teacher training earlier because I was afraid of what other people would think. Here I am, accepted into every college I applied for, the opportunity to move up in a fortune 100 company and potentially make a six figure income within the next five years, but I want to pass it all up to teach yoga.

What those people don’t understand is I don’t value money that way I value happiness, or the way I feel when I can find internal peace and balance. So many people today think that the higher the number on your paycheck, the more “successful” you are. To me, if I can help someone get through a hard time in their life, if I can help someone reach a goal that they desperately want, or if I can help someone get away from their stressors for even just an hour, that’s success. That fulfills me. That drives me. It has for years. But I’ve never been the type to put myself first. I’d always prefer to sacrifice something of my own for someone else first.

So this is me for the first time in my life doing something for me; and this is me telling you not to wait to do the same.

Xoxo,

Free Spirit Babe

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